


Free From You

by Zig_Zag_F1



Series: You Love Him [11]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Antonio is the healthiest one here, Friends With Benefits, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Max and Charles are both unhealthy, Mentions of Violence, No Fluff, No Romance, Oral Sex, Pain, Pining, Sad, Swearing, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Tension, catching feelings, this is not nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 21:10:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20982416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zig_Zag_F1/pseuds/Zig_Zag_F1
Summary: Antonio thought he was okay with the situation. He thought he was okay with it all being temporary, all of it being meaningless.He only realizes he was mistaken when it's too late.





	Free From You

**Author's Note:**

> Antonio doesn't have much out there and I know this is the first of this type of thing so I hope it goes okay. Sorry, angst and all that is just the way it goes for me sometimes...this is painful.
> 
> NOTE: This does reference abusive relationships, although not in detail. You've been warned.
> 
> I don't know why but the song You Love Him by Brighten made me want to write things based on each line so here I am. You don't have to listen to the song though, or read the fics in order.
> 
> This is line 11, if anyone cares to know.

_"Now all the sudden I'm a free bird_

_Because of three little words..."_

He's honestly not sure how he got to this point. It was all so casual, no strings attached, no feelings involved, until it wasn't, and now he's the one out in the cold, smoking cigarettes even though he hates them and staring at the water below. 

He finishes another one and hurls it as far as he can, watching until the smoldering light from the butt hits the water and goes out. That's three. 

_Fuck this. _

He lights a fourth with shaking hands, knowing he has to stop after this one, the pack is empty, and he knows he'll be sick if he goes on like this, but none of that really matters to him much. Taking another long draw, he leans his elbows on the railing of the pier and watches the light from the solitary fishing boat move across the dark, empty waves. It's cold. He should've brought his jacket out here. 

"Antonio?"

He doesn't move, even though he hears the door open behind him. 

"Antonio?"

He can here footsteps approaching, but he doesn't turn, because he already knows who it is. Charles comes up alongside him, wordless, and leans his back against the railing next to Antonio. Antonio doesn't look at him.

Charles doesn't speak, he just stands there. After a long moment, he zips his jacket against the wind. 

Antonio takes another draw on his cigarette, at once willing Charles closer and further away. He still doesn't look at him, still stares straight ahead, puffs out the smoke from his lungs and watches it blow away into the darkness.

Charles takes in a heavy breath. Antonio flits his eyes sideways, taking a slight glimpse of him in, but he doesn't turn his head. Charles is wearing a white and red windbreaker, and Antonio wonders for a split second if it's one of his, but then he thinks the red is too bright to be the same as his Alfa Romeo colors. He's glad of that. 

He finishes his cigarette, throwing it out like the others, but he doesn't move, just folds his arms on the wood rail. Charles doesn't move either for a long moment, but Antonio knows he's fidgeting inside. Charles can't handle being still for very long. Slowly, Antonio forces himself to withdraw from the railing and look at his...friend. He guesses that's the right word, anyway.

Charles smiles at him. "Hey, you okay? You just kinda walked out."

"Yeah," Antonio says, running his hand through his hair. The wind blows it right back over his face.

Charles laughs and reaches over, smoothing it out of Antonio's eyes. "That's what you get for having long hair."

Antonio rolls his eyes. "Yeah whatever. You just say that because you couldn't pull it off."

Charles laughs again, and Antonio can't help but smile, because_ Charles is cute when he laughs. _He pushes away the thought. 

They walk back inside Antonio's vacation cabin, and it's warm inside. Charles strips off the windbreaker and hangs it behind the door and Antonio realizes that he was wrong, it was his Alfa jacket. He's not sure how he feels about that. He wishes he could feel happy about it.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Charles asks, flopping down on the couch. 

Antonio goes into the bathroom and opens the cabinet door, taking out the blue mouthwash and his toothbrush. He brushes his teeth first, scrubbing a bit too hard and making himself bleed a little from his gums. He hates the smell of cigarette smoke, and he hates the taste. Really, he hates everything about it. 

"Or we could play FIFA," Charles calls from the livingroom. 

Antonio's mouth is full, so he doesn't reply. He spits in the sink and pours mouthwash, gargles it into every corner of his mouth to get all of the terribleness out. Not only does he hate it, but he wouldn't want to be around anyone else who smelled like smoke. _Definitely don't want to taste like smoke._

Charles wanders into the hallway and finds him in the bathroom, pouring another lid-full of mouthwash and churning it through his mouth. He watches as Antonio spits it out and rinses with water.

"You don't have to do that for me, you know," Charles says, leaning against the doorframe and raising his eyebrows.

Antonio dries his face and shrugs. "I don't like the smell or the taste." _I don't think you would like it either_, remains unsaid, but they both understand it.

Antonio opens the cabinet and replaces the items where they belong. When he closes it, Charles is right there, so close to him, so close. He smiles up at Antonio innocently, and Antonio pushes him against the wall, but doesn't do anything else except lean close to Charles' lips, not touching them, just barely brushing by, breathing lightly, taunting him. Charles is usually the tease, but it's always like this. They pretend they'll do something normal, something friendly, they'll pretend to just have a night in, as if they still think they're deceiving each other. 

They know perfectly well that they will do nothing innocent, and they know there is nothing that they do that could pass as a normal friendship, but they still pretend, lying to each other and perhaps themselves about this whole strange game they've fallen into, this whole routine of hanging out that always ends in the bedroom. 

Antonio knows Charles isn't in love with him. But he's always thought he was okay with it, that it meant nothing to him either. In the past few weeks though, he knows that's changed. He knows he thinks about Charles too much. He knows he feels things Charles never will. 

He knows he should stop messing around with Charles, his head keeps telling him it's only going to end badly. But he just can't. Charles is so beautiful, so addictive, so unlike anything else Antonio has in his life right now, and he can't bring himself to tell him that he can't see him anymore.

In moments like these, it's impossible.

Charles is smirking, even thought Antonio has him pinned to the wall, and he runs his tongue over his lower lip in the way he knows will get results. Antonio catches his breath, because Charles is such a fucking tease when he does that, and he responds by forcing Charles' hands against the wall and gently biting and nipping his way over Charles' neck and down his throat. 

Charles gasps, and Antonio goes further, biting a little harder on the flesh just below Charles' collarbone.

Charles moans. "No marks," he whispers, like he always does.

Antonio sinks his teeth on Charles' ear lightly, breathing into it as he whispers, "I know."

Charles moves a little in reaction, leaning his head against the wall, and Antonio meets his eyes again and lets go of his arms, steps back, and walks out of the bathroom and down the hallway into the bedroom, casually pretending he doesn't know Charles will follow him. 

He sits down on the bed, and sure enough, Charles is right there. He closes the door behind himself and raises his eyebrows mockingly at Antonio, coming towards him and doing that thing with his lower lip again. 

Antonio knows he's the one in control of these encounters. He doesn't know why, because he's so naturally easygoing in so many things, but there's something about Charles that makes him want to take charge, makes him want to make Charles submit. He thinks it's what Charles wants too, because he always goes along with it so easily.

Charles leans over him and Antonio takes his face in his hands and kisses him, eyes closed. Charles' hands find their way to his hair as he kisses him back for a long moment before pulling back, trying to smooth Antonio's hair back down. His hands come down to the edge of Antonio's shirt and Antonio lets him remove it, but he pulls off Charles' white shirt as well, and pushes him backwards and down to the floor. Charles looks up at him obediently and reaches up to remove Antonio's sweatpants and briefs, sliding them down and pushing them away. Antonio runs his fingers through Charles' hair, pulling gently to make him look up. When he does, large eyes bright, Antonio leans down and kisses him, savoring the moment before Charles pulls away and puts his mouth around Antonio's dick.

Antonio keeps his fingers in Charles' hair while Charles uses his mouth, and he moans as the boy on the floor teases him and sucks him. He thrusts every once in a while, liking to feel the way Charles takes him, but he lets Charles play with him, lets him take his time with all the little teases Antonio secretly enjoys. When he feels he's getting close, he pulls Charles off because he doesn't want it to be over and he pulls Charles up onto the bed with him, pushes him down, and kisses him some more. Finding it hard to resist Charles' red lips and open mouth, he slides his fingers between Charles' wet lips and fucks them in and out of Charles' mouth, his cock becoming impossibly hard as he feels Charles' mouth vibrate with his moans.

As Charles lays there, Antonio pulls off his skin tight jeans and his boxers, forcing Charles to lie still as he lightly runs his hands over all the sensitive areas below Charles' waist, avoiding touching his dick, even though it's extremely hard and twitching. 

Charles groans and tries to move a little, but Antonio gently pushes him back as he takes a position between Charles' legs and slowly leaves kisses and bites all the way down his stomach and trails them along the edges of his thighs. Charles moans, louder now, but Antonio ignores him. This is what he enjoys most, he enjoys having Charles like this, at his mercy, and he knows that Charles isn't his, so he wants to enjoy every moment that he gets. 

Slowly, he continues with the licking and teasing until he knows Charles won't take it anymore, and then he sinks his lips around Charles' length and takes him in all at once. Charles moans raggedly and whispers something incoherent as Antonio blows him, using his tongue to do all the little things he knows Charles likes. 

Charles is gripping the blankets, breath coming in gasps. Antonio feels Charles stiffening, and he clinches Antonio's shoulder, murmuring something Antonio can't understand, but he knows anyway that Charles is close. Antonio doesn't stop, he doesn't want to, and he lets Charles finish down his throat, watching his face as he does and feeling a terrible sense of longing. 

He sits up, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and he goes up to lie beside Charles as his chest heaves and he returns from his orgasm. Antonio watches him, running a hand through his short, sweaty brown hair as it lays on the pillowcase. He wants to kiss him, but he's conscious that he tastes of cum, and he's also conscious that Charles doesn't usually kiss much afterwards.

His own cock is still hard, but he ignores it, all of his attention focused on Charles, whose eyes are still closed. He gently runs his hand along Charles' cheek, daring to cup his face just slightly, but careful not to be too obvious.

Charles' eyes open, and he looks up at Antonio and smiles, and for once it looks less like a smirk or a teasing taunt and more like an actual smile. Antonio smiles back at him awkwardly, suddenly more self-conscious than he was when Charles' eyes were closed. 

Charles sits up and pushes Antonio's hair out of his face, and Antonio doesn't know when he started to love that gesture, but he does. Charles is so careful.

He doesn't resist as Charles pushes him to lean back against the pillows and he doesn't resist as Charles puts his hand around his hard-on and begins to stroke him. He gives in to the feeling and lets out the gasps and moans as Charles strokes him over and over, his other hand resting on Antonio's bare chest.

He lets out several moans in spite of himself. Charles keeps going, and his touches feel so good that Antonio can't last long. As he finishes, gasping hard, Antonio's mouth opens and he whispers, "_Charles," _with an agonized breath. 

Charles smiles, wiping his hand off on the bedspread, and he leans forward and lightly kisses Antonio on the cheek. 

Antonio closes his eyes, wishing Charles would continue kissing him, but knowing he won't. 

He can hear Charles pulling on his clothing and when he opens his eyes, Charles is fully dressed again. He looks down at Antonio and winks. "I'll be in the livingroom."

Antonio listens as his footsteps recede down the hall and he sits up, finding his clothing and putting garments back on slowly. This is their routine, nothing new. They'll go out to the livingroom, and they'll watch a movie, and Charles will fall asleep on the couch, and Antonio will watch him until he can't stay awake and then he'll go to bed. When he wakes up, Charles will be gone.

They never actually sleep together. Antonio hasn't ever tried to get Charles to stay and sleep in his bed, and Charles never asks. 

When he's fully dressed, he comes out to the livingroom, and Charles is on the phone. He's deep in conversation, and as Antonio comes in, Charles grins at him, but then he pulls on a jacket--Antonio's Alfa jacket again--and he goes outside, closing the door firmly behind him.

Antonio sighs and goes to the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water and one for Charles as well, which he sets on the table. He's not hungry, but he eats a few handfuls of nuts anyway while he looks at the clock. It's midnight.

He wanders out to the livingroom again, aimlessly sitting down in the armchair and skimming his streaming services for something to watch. He's looking at the television, but his mind is on Charles. Images are replaying in his head, more vividly than the ones on the screen, and he's picturing how beautiful Charles always is, how there's something about him that has hooked Antonio from the start.

When Charles first started coming over, after his breakup with Max, Antonio thought the attraction was merely sexual. Charles was hot, and Antonio figured it would be fun to hook up. When Charles suggested they be "friends with benefits", it sounded perfectly good to Antonio. 

It was easier at first, when Charles kept his eyes closed and Antonio knew he was picturing Max. He didn't mind, it was all just a diversion to him then. But slowly, as the months went on, Charles had almost opened up, if it could be called that. Antonio felt drawn in. He pushed it away, ignored it, but it was there. Nagging thoughts of Charles when he wasn't around, a sudden imagining of what it would be like to wake up with him. 

But he didn't say any of it, he knew better. He knew that he was the only one catching feelings. 

Antonio stared into the TV screen, mind running on and on. _If only things were different, maybe then._

He sat like that for what seemed like hours. His mind kept trying to find a way to keep Charles. He shook himself off, Charles was not someone you keep, Charles has always been his own. Antonio, of all people, should know that.

The door opened, startling him out of his thoughts, and Charles came in, hanging up the jacket like he had earlier, but he didn't make a move to come inside and sit down, he just stood there, staring at the floor.

"Everything okay?" Antonio asked, frowning.

Charles raised his head, and his face was flushed, and he looked unsure of himself. He twisted his hands together, avoiding Antonio's eyes.

"Charles? Who called?" Antonio got up from the chair and crossed the room, stopping just a foot from Charles and looking at him expectantly.

"Max," Charles almost whispered.

Antonio felt his chest tightening. 

"We've been talking," Charles went on, his voice a little louder, but not much. "We've been talking for a while. At first he needed some time to think, and so did I, but we've been talking again for a while now."

Antonio's throat was painfully tight, but he managed to speak anyway. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, you told me about the fights...how out of hand things were getting."

Charles nodded. "I know."

"You guys were throwing things at each other and he gave you a black eye, Charles," Antonio continued, not sure what he was doing, but feeling like he couldn't stop.

"It wasn't only him," Charles half murmured. "I hurt him too. He needed stitches once after I hit him." Charles closes his eyes.

"See? Fuck, Charles, and you're still talking to him?"

"He's been getting help," Charles says, eyes still closed. "So have I. It's not the way it used to be."

"How do you know that?" Antonio doesn't know where his feelings for Charles end and his care for him as a friend begins.

"I just know," Charles says, and opens his eyes to look at Antonio. "We're...getting back together. I want to try again."

Antonio doesn't have words. He just looks at Charles, and he doesn't know if Charles can see the pain he feels or not. He doesn't care.

Charles looks away. 

They stand there like that, close to each other, but not looking at one another, for a long minute before Charles manages to look at Antonio again. 

"Well," he tries to joke, "You'll be free of me now. Won't have to worry about me calling you at some weird hour of the night."

Antonio doesn't answer. He doesn't trust himself. 

Charles crosses the room and gathers up his few things, his bag, his shoes. Antonio doesn't move, he's frozen.

Carrying his items, Charles comes back over and places them on the floor before stepping close to Antonio and putting his hand under his chin. Slowly, Antonio lets Charles bring his face up, meeting Charles' eyes, which he thinks are pained. He can't tell why.

"I'll see you around, Antonio," Charles says, and he looks as if he wants to steal a kiss, but he doesn't. Antonio leans in and catches his lips lightly, barely, like a breath, before Charles steps backwards. "I have to go," he says, picking up his things again. "I'll see you soon." He opens the door, but Antonio catches his arm as he steps out. 

"Hey Charles," he says, and Charles looks at him questioningly. "If anything...you know, happens, or...you need anything, you'll call me?"

"Yeah," Charles says, and Antonio believes him. He can see it in his eyes as he releases his arm and Charles steps onto the porch.

"Charles," Antonio says again, standing in the open doorway.

Charles turns, but he's not annoyed. "Yes, Antonio?"

Antonio swallows hard. "Why are you going back to him? When it was so...you know, last time?"

Charles doesn't answer, he just shrugs. Antonio keeps looking at him, but Charles is struggling for words, suddenly breathing more heavily.

"Because...because I love him. I love him," he finally says, voice almost too low to hear, yet Antonio hears, and it's everything he already knew but didn't want to believe.

Antonio nods, and Charles tries to smile. "Goodnight," he says. 

Antonio doesn't answer as Charles sprints down the steps towards his car. He watches as Charles drives away, only closing the door when his car has disappeared. 

He sits down at the kitchen table afterwards, staring at the wall, not sure what to do or feel. He only knows that he feels terrible, and that the only thing he wants is for Charles to come back.

"_Well, you'll be free of me now," _Charles had said.

Antonio buries his head in his hands, and the thought overwhelms him. _But I didn't want to be free, Charles. I didn't want to be free._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, that was...that was not okay, for anyone. Hope you enjoyed it anyway??  
Also, I think this is the first time I've written as much smut as I did for this one? I guess that's...good? I don't know.  
Leave a comment!  
Thanks for reading. 
> 
> Usual stuff applies: Do not post this elsewhere, or show it to anyone in real life. I would die. This is fictional, you should know that, and please do copy and paste it anywhere either. Thanks!


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